I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
