Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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