shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
