i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
zippers are such a cool invention
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
