Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
