dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
