Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
