oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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