He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How does one acquire holy water?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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