i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
