In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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