I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
