I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
