bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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