Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
