Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
