My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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