Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
