We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
