When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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