I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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