Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
