i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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