her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
