this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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