I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
