Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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