I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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