Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
