She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
