I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
