I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
