you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
