what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
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We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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