i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
