then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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