woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
