I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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