Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit