I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So much rum. So many feels.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
