If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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