barbara walters just said penis...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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