does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yo dont text me then not text me
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He better not be in your backpack
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
