3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
