I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There are leaves in my underwear?
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