WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
