fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home