Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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