wrigley field is MILF paradise
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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