At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
