if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
