You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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