oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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