Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
