My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
