Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
