I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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