I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
