Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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