i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
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I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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