guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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