It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
